I've always said climbing is all in the head. When you tie in, threading the rope through your harness, you've usually got a good inkling of how you're going to perform. And it's not down to how many hours you've spent in the gym, or knowing you said 'No' to that extra doughnut at work, or even if you've climbed the route before. It's because there's a little voice in your head that either says, 'Piece of piss this, I don't even care if I fall off today' or it tells you, 'Steady on, sonny Jim, you fall off that and you're toast'. Saturday's outing was all about having the latter phrase swimming through my head. I knew it was going to be hard - I got to bed late on Friday - and I proved myself right. (It's never helped through alcohol, is it!? But the girls in our street decided to throw an Ann Summers party, meaning the boys had to evacuate the mews and seek refuge in the pub. Which is never perfect preparation, but at least it stopped me having to endure double-ended dildos being waved in my face by drunk women. So, in a round-about way it wasn't my fault I had a hangover....)
Helsby, just off the M56 in Cheshire, is a devious little shit of a crag. I'm a local, I know how scary sandstone can be, and I know that if you pull too hard on a flake it's going to come off in your hand and leave a brown stain in your pants.
But for some reason my head just wasn't in it. I don't know what it was. I had a brilliant time. The sun was out, the shirts were off, and there was a smell of sun lotion and insect repellent in the air. It was as enjoyable as it ever is - especially when a perfect stranger started handing-out free, fresh pineapple. But when I got on the sharp end of the rope I just didn't feel confident. My afternoon was summed up perfectly by a gibbering wreck of a lead on Dinnerplate Crack, a Severe 4b. It's one that I've lead twice before now, and I should have known better, but I went to pieces.
It's essentially a huge roof, followed by some easy jugs, then a nice sloping finish on shite holds. The climb itself is straightforward, but for the life of me I couldn't find any protection, save for a cam right on the lip of the opening overhang. I committed to the move, pulled over and expected to find a nice big slot to ram a load of gear in. But I couldn't see anything except a highly dubious nut slot near my left foot. It was like balancing a pebble in the mouth of a beer bottle. It would probably have held a fall, but I don't ever want to find out.
By this point I'm twitching like a shitting dog, knowing there's another committing move before I reach a crack that offers some hope of protection, and in the back of my mind there's a voice going, 'You'll hit the deck if you fall off from here. And if you're REALLY lucky the first bit of gear you placed will have you pendulum-ing into the rock face like a champagne bottle on a new ship'. Shut up, brain!
And I lost it. My arms tensed up, I could hear my own labored breathing, and that awful metallic taste of fear began to rise at the back of my throat. Then it was a case of warning JT, 'Watch us here...there's nothing....I'm losing it....tell my mam I love her!!!'
And this was a Severe. For those of you who don't climb, please have a look to the right-hand side Jargon buster and realise how far I am off climbing an E1.......... If I AM going to do it by the end of the summer my grey matter needs to get with the programme.
Anyway, after having the piss ripped out of me by the rest of the group when I'd eventually topped-out and stopped swearing, things seemed to settle down, and I eventually got back into the rhythm of things. I'm hoping that as this is only my second leading session, outdoors, of the season, things will get better. And they'd better bloody had do.
JT and I alternated leads up the likes of Little by Little (VS, 4b) Twin Caves Crack (S 4b), and The Overhanging Crack (VS 4c), which was admirably led by JT. Good work, fella. Hats off, seriously.
And we ended the day with a top-rope session on Golden Pillar (E1, 5b).
Top-roping basically means we set up an anchor at the top of the route BEFORE we'd actually climbed it, meaning any falls would be embarrassing, rather than life-threatening. And having been up my first E1 this year, albeit through 'cheating', here are my thoughts on the subject:
a) The moves were superb. The holds were all positive and it was an utter pleasure to be on. I couldn't stop grinning.
b) But....it's anyone's guess how I'd cope having to place gear all the way up it. I imagine it would involve stopping, faffing around with an un-ordered rack of nuts, swearing like a drunken sailor, attempting to put a bit of gear in a pocket, more effing and jeffing when it doesn't fit, feeling my arms pumping, and then fall off.
There's a long way to go, methinks. But at least I've got the early summer nerves out of my system now.
Next stop Hobson Moor quarry on Tuesday night. Not the most beautiful place in the world but it's God's honest gritstone and I'm looking forward to being able to trust the gear .Here's hoping my head's not up my arse this time.
I'll end with this vid of JT leading Twin Caves Crack. Good route, and a good lead made to look easy. Note the use of slings......would never have thought of that!
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